Sunday, May 24, 2009

my daily struggle

Everyday I find myself struggling to get out of bed. Worried about what the day has in store. Worried about just how much I am going to cry. I miss Seth so much that I struggle with going anywhere, worried that I might see a newborn, and break down. I should not feel sad when I see a baby. I should be happy that they have their baby. That they aren't going through what I am. And that they dont have to face this struggle. I struggle to tell people about my son that passed away. In fear that i might breakdown in front of them. Or that I might make them uncomfortable. I should not be afraid to tell prople about Seth. And I feel that If I dont mention him to someone, that I am trying to forget him. That is the last thing that that I should think. I know I oculd never forget that sweet little face. I should know that i will NEVER try to forget him. And all of this struggle leads to the wanting another baby. I struggle with the "what if people think i am trying to forget Seth b having another baby" or the "what if something happens to the next baby". I want all of this struggle to be over with. But I dont think it will ever be. I just want to have a normal life, which is something I will never have again. My family will never be the "normal" family again..when people see us they will always think that we have one child less than we actually do..they will never see our entire family together. I just want this srtuggle to END.

Seth mommy loves and misses you so much...cant wait to hold you again baby boy.


  1. PJ, After reading this I wanted to tell you something that might or might not help you but I felt compelled to tell it anyway. We had a wedding Saturday and one of Holly's classmates was there with her new baby girl of 1 week. Before the wedding started I knew I wanted to hold her and the moment she was placed in my arms I looked at her and her tiny face and features (she was 5# ?oz.when born) and I immediately started to cry in front of everyone there because I thought of Carleigh just looking at her and could vision her in my arms.
    Not one person made me feel bad or said 1 thing b/c they knew what I was going through and the pain and tears in my eyes said it all. I don't think people expect a quick fix b/c they know the pain is real and it takes a while to heal. (our own time table)
    Holly's friend, bless her heart, just watched me and smiled and I knew she understood what I was going through, but knew it was important for me to hold HER little girl. And I felt blessed for it, b/c I was happy for her and her precious baby in spite of my own pain and sorrow. I took my seat and apologized to my friend sitting beside me and she handed me a tissue and said there is nothing to be sorry for. Friends do understand more than we give them credit for. Hang in there and don't be so hard on yourself, it is YOUR pain, YOUR grief, YOUR sorrow, and YOUR tears and OUR Heavenly Father understands it all. (Sorry this is a book but felt a need to write it)
    Love and Prayers-Linda

  2. Oh Honey. I understand. I share your same feelings, and I too worry about the next baby. I worry because I feel desperate to have another, but so very much afraid, as well. Know this... we can do this together. All of it. I am here for you. You're not alone.

  3. I understand. After our baby died, it was so hard to see other babies. I wanted to hold a baby but was afraid of the reaction I would have or that people would feel uncomfortable. When I finally did hold a baby, it wasn't like I thought it would be. I was sad, but it didn't wasn't MY was just someone else's baby.

    It was really hard to go on with life with the kids at home too. I wanted to just lay in bed and cry by myself, but instead, I had to feel 3 little people and listen to them tell me about duplo people or whatever.

    It is so hard. I understand and am so sorry. God bless you today. I will pray for you.

  4. I too held a baby for the first time Yesterday..She had the same duedate as Seth so I kinda felt blessed to hold one that coul have been the same age as him. I was sad. but in a good way.. I missed Seth and justthoughtabout how big he would have been. This baby was 8 weeks early..and is sooo tiny..but so cute..Thanks Krystal for sharing Kaylee with you

  5. PJ, I feel exactly as you do....right down to the last words you wrote. I am scared of how I feel when I see newborns and I even find it hard to get excited in finding out that a few of my friends are newly pregnant. Prolly because I, like you and Misty, am desparate to have another baby now. I know that a new baby will never replace Noah in my heart but it might ease the ache of my empty arms. I have only held one baby since Noah passed. She was 4 months old so it wasn't too hard but like Debra said, she wasn't my baby so it did not satisfy like holding my own would - like holding Noah again would. And my heart just ached for Linda as she told her story. I can imagine that I will do much the same should hold someone's newborn any time soon. She's right though....If they are any kind of friend, they will understand.

  6. I held my friend's baby that my mom talked about and I wasn't sad or anything like that. Perhaps b/c it wasn't my baby. She was precious and I thought of Carleigh and I missed her but I was happy for my friend.

    I want another baby very much and we are actually starting to try again. I am a little nervous about it but I know no matter what we'll be in good hands.

  7. Holly, I was/am so happy for my friend. The only saddness was when I thought about how big my little Seth Would have been..and I am going to talk to my husband about trying SOON..pray for us..and we are definately praying for you! love you