Saturday, November 19, 2011

Rough Nights...

Lately, I have been having a really HARD time at night...(way more than "normal")..I am not sure if it is the Holidays, or what it is, but I lay in bed, and cry, and as I cuddle my little Asa, I dream of snuggling my sweet Seth. I hope it gets better SOON, because i am EXHAUSTED laying there for 2 or more hours TRYING to go to sleep, (and Asa doesnt sleep past 7:30 normally)...This time of year is so hard on me, on ALL that have lost Children. The slightest thing sets me off. I went to the mall yesterday, trying to get some birthday shopping out of the way for Emma, and was looking at Christmas ornaments for our family ornament this year, and about broke down, because as i look for a "family of five" ornament, all i can think about is not having Seth here, waking up EARLY, and opening the poresents under the tree. While there looking, and telling the lady what i was looking for, she asks "Where is the third?" I simply said "He died" and walked out...I LOVE talking about him, but when people catch me off gaurd, it is HARD...Well, I guess I better get off of here, and get myself and the babies ready for the day


Monday, August 22, 2011

it't been ROUGH!!!

Hey!! I know I havent been here in a WHILE, but it has been rough for me. I am trying my best, to be as happy as possible, for my children, but it is hard. I miss Seth sooooo much, and some days are so hard to get through. Anyway, about a year ago, a lady found my blog and got in touch with me about a book. She asked me if I would be interested in sharing Seth's story in her book, and of course, i said yes!! I submitted our story, and she has kept in touch with me about the progress. Well, the book is now out and I recieved my copy of the book yesterday, and I LOVE IT!!! I have already read the whole thing. It is a book of more than 20 stories, submitted by parents that have had miscarriages, stillbirths, and infant loss. I highle recommend the book to any babyloss parent. It is a very inspirational book. it is called Always Within: grieving the loss of your infant, by Melissa Eshleman. Thank you so much Melissa. you are a GREAT woman, and you mean so much to me and my family!!!

Gob Bless Everyone!!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

A hard day...

Today, I had a telephone interview with a lady from the Arkansas Children's hospital, center of Birth Defects. They sent me a letter to complete, and send back to them a few weeks ago, If I wanted to participate in a study, and I said why not, maybe this could benefit someone. Anyway, The lady called, and the interview was set up for today. It was about my pregnancy with my sweet Seth, 3 months befpre, and 3 months after. And the VERY FIRST question was...."is your son still alive? I was like really?? this was stated in the papers that I sent to you already.. Anyways, with tears in my eyes, I simply said, no, no he isn't. And most of the questions after that made me cry. Needless to say, this interview has made for a very emotional day. I miss him so, so much. And night time get to me more than anything. Night time is the only time tyhat I have quiet time, to actually sit and think, abiut the things that have happened in my life, both good and bad. And I must say, of all of the things that have happened, losing my son, is definately the one that has not gotten easier, and I know, it will never get any easier. It still feels the same as the day we say,"see you soon, sweet Seth"

Well, sweet friends of mine, it is time I turn in for the night.. my sweet rainbow is tired..
God Bless you ALL!


Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Ramblings of a hurting mommy.

Wow. It has been so long since I have done ANYTHING here. Where do I even begin? I have kind of stayed away, because in some way, being here makes me hurt. Having to have a blog, for a dead just hurts. Tomorrow, we will come to the 22nd month without our sweet, precious son. That means in just 2 short months, we will celebrate yet another birthday/ANGELversary. He is DEARLY missed. People have told me that in time, it will get easier. Well here we are 22 months later, and I still hurt as much, if not more than I did 22 months ago. I really don't think it will EVER get ANY easier. Saying goodbye to a chile, is NOTHING like saying goodbye to a parent, grandparent, or sibling. Yes, I understand, thant DOES hurt, I understand, because I lost the woman that I called "mom" when I was only 12. But that didn't hurt near as bad as losing my son. Yes, I do miss my mom. But I don't cry EVERY NIGHT for her, like I do for my Seth. I just miss him so so so much!!! Life isn't easy, when you can't hold ALL of your children in your arms. With all of this being said, I must now go to work...the one place, when on days like today, I really DO NOT want to go...

God Bless You all!!


Tuesday, July 27, 2010

something on my mind...

Last week, Asa had his 2 month well check, and while I was in the "newborn" room, There were moms (of NEW babies) complaining of being TIRED...I kind of stayed to myself, until one of them looked at me and said "you must be as tired as we are, you have 2 small children". I POLITELY looked at them and said, The tiredness DOES NOT bother ne, because, had my 2nd child LIVED I would have 3 SMALL children. I also told the 2 girls that were in there, that I would get some decent sleep IF I did't wake up every Hour and a half to check and make sure my child was breathing. They both just kind of stopped complaining. I can't stand when people complain about their babies..They should just be happy THAT THEY STILL HAVE THEIR CHILDREN!!!!!! ugh..sorry about the rant...but I had to get that out!!!

God Bless!!

Monday, June 28, 2010

Our Family Blog...

PLEASE, If you haven't already, go follow our NEW family blog. Go to to check it out!



Wednesday, June 16, 2010

14 months...

Wow. Seth would have been 14 months old today. It has gone by sooooo fast. We miss him dearly, and even tho we wish he was still here (on earth) with us, we know that he is in the best place EVER!!! We feel like we have a piece of heaven with us, because Asa looks sooooo much like his big brother it is unreal... I want to share some pics of him...

Here are some of him IN the hospital..He spent 2 weeks in Arkansas Children's Hospital..It was scary. We .almost lost him....In the first one, he was on the vent.
Now, here are some after we were home....