Thursday, September 3, 2009

Could you imagine...

Could you imagine, not getting to say goodbye? Could you imagine, not knowing your child was going to die, and all of a sudden they are gone? I couldn't. Even tho I would do ANYTHING to have my son back, I think I was blessed that God let me prepare myself, and I didn't just all of a sudden lose my Seth. I was reading another blog (a mom that lost her daughter, an old classmate of mine, to cancer at just age 16) about parents just all of a sudden losing their children, and not saying goodbye, and it touched me. Do you realize, that even tho our children are gone, if you got to say goodbye, and got to prepare yourself (well as much as you could at a time like this) that you were, you ARE blessed. Atleast we knew, and we were able to spend that time with them, telling them goodbye, telling them how much we love them. It is something (until now) that I HAVE NOT thought about. I just thought it was the most horrible thing, to lose a child (and it is) but atleast we got to say goodbye. Atleast the last time we talked to our children, it was not an argument. ANYWAYS...I still have not heard from the monument place about the headstone. But hopefully soon I will. I feel as It is getting harder as time passes. I take a few steps forward, and then fall 10 backwards. I sure hopes this gets somewhat easier soon. Please pray that it does. I am trying to be strong for my husband and daughter, but at night when they are asleep, I cry. Most nights I cry myself to sleep. I just want my son back so bad. I know its selfish, but I do. I long to hold him, feed him, even be up all night with him. Gosh, I just miss him so much. Well I am going to quit rambling, and let you readers free. Thanks for checking in, and thank you so much for walking our Journey with us! God Bless You All!!!!!


  1. I have to agree with you, PJ. I do feel blessed for having time to prepare. I had months to plan and time to cherish. Hope you hear about Seth's headstone soon.

    I don't think it's selfish to want him back. What mother wouldn't want their baby back? I'd take Carleigh back in a heartbeat. If some consider that selfish then that's what I am!

  2. I am, also, thankful for the time that I had with Isaac, knowing what we were up against. I got to treasure each time he moved. I spoke to him, and rocked him to sleep, and sang to him. We got to prepare the children and prepare ourselves. Instead of a complete surprise at his death, we were able to welcome him and cherish every second of his 70 minutes outside of my womb.

  3. PJ--Your blog is beautiful. I will look forward to following your journey, as it is somewhat similar to ours. I know for me, the third and fourth months were probably the most difficult...the shock has passed and reality has set in. We have passed the six month mark now, and I believe it's gotten easier, although there are times when it is just as bad as it was at the beginning. Those times seem to happen less often, though. God is faithful...He is seeing us through and He will see you through, too!

  4. PJ it is hard I know it has to be. You also know that I have always done what I could to protect you and your brother and sisters I can't describe how bad that I felt when I was holding him and couldn'do anything to help him> I would have happily went instead of Seth. I know its wrong to say but I would have went one on one with GOD. But I wasn't given either option. I LOVE YOU BABY Daddy

  5. Hey, PJ...I left a comment here the other day, but it apparently didn't register, so let me try again...

    Your blog is beautiful...what a wonderful tribute to baby Seth. Let me see if I can encourage you with this...someone told me once that the third and fourth months after your child's death are the hardest. The initial shock has worn off, and the reality has set in at that point. And that was certainly true for me. Those months were really tough. We are now in the sixth month since Hannah's death, and for me, it has gotten somewhat better. Of course, there are still some very difficult hours and days, but they are becoming farther between.

    I know it will always be difficult, and the pain will always be there, but God is faithful and will not give us more than we can bear. Hold Emma closely, keep breathing, and depend on God for daily strength.

    Praying for you....

  6. I wish that I could have said goodbye to those babies I lost due to miscarriage. I know its not the same but I do know that I would have loved to have kissed those little faces and told them I loved them. I believe you are truly blessed to have had time with Seth. I am blessed for being an angel mommy. Thank you for sharing your ups and downs with us.